Weaning…Is it Avy or Me..Part 2!

June 8, 2010.

 A day to remember, because I think finally heart of hearts I am ready to wean. I think many moms would agree that weaning a baby is so emotionally draining to a mom. You are already confused with so many feelings and tiredness that comes from constant sleepless nights, and then to top it all once you decide to stop you suddenly come up with so many reasons on why you should continue. Here is my pro/con list:

 Pros:

1)      I can avoid any chance of allergen entering his body through me.

2)      He will sleep better with not having to wake up for a feed.

3)      I can sleep better and function better.

4)      It is time, the longer I push it will be harder.

5)      His dad can help in making him sleep…

6)      Avoid potential tooth decay

 Cons:

1)      It is MY baby!! I feel like I am losing a connection.

2)      The basic benefit of breastfeeding.

3)      Well, he was using me more as a human pacifier , so the worry on how I would console him.

So you see, the emotional reasons to continue feeding him is more than the other reasons. So anyway, before this date there have been many failed attempts at this. Ajit has had a couple of successful days where Avy would sleep without me, but then the 3am feed would have Avy screaming his lungs out and crying and throwing a fit.

So after months of discussions I decided that it has to be me. I mean he has to understand that I cannot feed him anymore. And that sleeping next to me would entail him to milk in just a cup. As you can see this is a stressful time for me.

So, on Monday (june 7) night after a brief allergy mishap, Avy was up scratching, and I tried feeding him. But he was up for 2 hours and feeding him was not getting him to sleep either. So in a moment of frustration I told him “Avy, amma-ku mudiala, amma-ku uuuvaaa”(Avy, I cannot any more, I am hurt). The little darling that he is, he saw me for a moment like he understood something and asked ‘uvva?’(hurt?), I said ‘Yes!’, he stopped asking and settled on my hand for me to pat him to sleep.

That was the Eureka moment for me. We had talked about trying neem oil or something, but then I think I found my “Neem Oil”.  So tonight, I was armed with sippy cup of milk and took the little one to sleep.

I was telling him all evening on how I am ‘hurt’ and cannot feed him. So once the time came, he whined a little bit, and kept asking about the ‘oova’, but he never asked to drink. We read a book, I sang for him, took about 25 minutes but he fell asleep on his pillow, but here is what tore my heart apart, before he finally slept, he hugged me and gave me a kiss to make my “oova” all better.

I could not take it anymore and burst crying. I felt so guilty and felt one of the lowest points of my life. All of a sudden the moment I was waiting for, the moment was horrible. I loved the feeding times, it was so precious, so personal, filled with silly laughs, silly giggles and a time when it was just him and I in this whole world.  I would tickle his feet and he would smile, while feeding and milk pouring out of this mouth and eyes half closed, the best moment in the world. So I do not know why I cried, it could be anything. Maybe because I now feel I would be ‘less’ of a mom? Maybe because the one bond that only him and I shared is coming to an end? Maybe because he is growing up? Maybe because I feel we will not be as close? Or maybe the sweetest thing that he is, he controlled all his tears (yess I saw the trembling lips as he tried to control his tears when he thought I was hurt) and I felt such a low person for lying to him?

Well  I do not know what. I made sure we hugged enough and I lay down with him staring into the ceiling thinking what today signified. He got up at 3.30 am again and we tried this whole not feeding thing till about 5am, but by then I was engorged and had to feed him. But even then he drank it all and once I said it was over, he did not throw a fit that he normally does, he just fell asleep. I am positive that this is it, in the next few weeks would be the end of the MOST fulfilling thing I have done in my life.

At this point I hope all this is for his greater good. I still have no compelling argument that it is what I should be doing. I could still come up with million reasons on why I should continue…but I guess I need to let him grow up…..it still tears my heart as I lay next to him cuddling him…and realizing that this is the BIGGEST change he has faced in all his life….and he is being such a CHAMP about it…

UPDATE:

 I wrote this the same day we started it all June 8th. I did not post it till today..we have pushed a whole week with just the early am feed and he is doing great! He spent the last weekend just hugging me for no reason, guess he is missing it all. He would come and hug me and sit for a few minutes and then run away to play. That has reduced now…so I think we are close to being fully done….my heart is still torn…I miss my baby…..

More: Submitted this to http://www.womensweb.in/family/fight-that-mommy-guilt.html

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6 Comments

  1. swarna said,

    June 16, 2010 at 9:42 am

    that was so touchy.. very well written anu.. i think yes the toughest part is letting go.. my mom always says its tougher for her than me when i leave but she has learnt not to express it for my own good 🙂 being a mother is being god, atleast thats what i thinks!

    • avymom said,

      June 16, 2010 at 9:50 am

      Thanks!! It is hard but also the most rewarding experience!!

  2. Swetha Iyer said,

    June 16, 2010 at 9:46 am

    This is totally surreal, if u ask me. I was doing an ego search for my son and landed here. What’s uncanny is – my son’s name is Avyukt too. He was born in Mar 2008…we are south indians and it simply gets uncanny from here – Its almost the same milestones or experiences we have gone thru and he so similarly calls “Amma, akka…annaa etc” appropriately and he misses his dad when he leaves him to go to Aapees 🙂 Whew! Surely the world is full of surprises.

    Nice getting to know you. 🙂

    • avymom said,

      June 16, 2010 at 9:50 am

      This is surreal 🙂 I think it is also cool!! We whould keep in touch! We have a friend who named his kid Avyukt, and the kidwas born August 2009. We are south indians too, from chennai. Where are you from? Do you blog too?

  3. Telugumom said,

    June 16, 2010 at 11:45 am

    WOW! A great post. I remember the feeling when I stopped breastfeeding Sarath. I wanted to breastfeed until 1 year but, the milk stopped coming. So, I had to stop. Luckily, he was already used to drinking formula. So, it was not that hard. It was harder on me than him.

    Good that you are almost done with the weaning. Looks like both of you are doing great.

  4. avymom said,

    June 16, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Thanks…I am still reeling from it…he seems to be doing better!


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