The mommy guilt

My friend N sent me this and asked me to submit my entry. So Thanks N! So I already submitted two of my prior posts, however I think we have to write a new one and since it is not a hard topic to write on 🙂 here is my 2 cents of guilt….(visit http://www.womensweb.in/family/fight-that-mommy-guilt.html)

Pre pregnancy: Now see what many of us do not realize is that the guilt starts from day zero or even subzero. As many moms out there would know by now and any would be mom please note, PRENATAL VITAMINS!!! See we are to take each one and I was religious about it and it had to be taken around the same time everyday. But there have been days when I have missed it and it all started there. Thoughts on how bad a to be mom I am to have missed it and how it would affect my baby and so result- I put reminders on outlook to eat it everyday:)

While in the womb: The single happiest day of your life is here…you are pregnant. Then comes the restrictions on no caffeine, no this no that. See I was a chocolate paithiyum (mad). I would have a bar everyday at night. I loved tea twice a day and coffee once a day. I gave it all up- however towards the end of my pregnancy- I would have it once a week, Friday evenings and even that pushed me into guilt…thoughts on how I was damaging my baby’s brain…is this small sacrifice even not possible… (Let me tell you, when you are huge and tired and cranky sometimes a coffee is all you need :p:p)

Just out of the womb: Those initial days, so good, so confusing, so fulfilling, so frustrating, and soo near impossible. So much guilt then…I would try to sleep and would hear the baby whimper in the other room, I would pretend to sleep, hoping the baby would stop magically, not wanting to get up for the 15th time that night….only to feel guilty on how I ‘ignored’ my baby!!  I would get so frustrated and tell him in those wee hours only when it was him and me, ‘ why can’t you just understand?, why can’t you just be with someone else?’, and would let him cry a little longer because I would have been washed out…only to feel a pang of guilt and shame to have talked to him like that.

Food: Breastfeeding is hard. It takes so much from a woman, at the same time if you tough it out one of the most enriching experience. I had issues with Avy not latching and got a help of a lactation consult. But the worst was yet to come, I developed Thrush infection. It is THE worst, painful thing. He developed it on his tongue and gave it to me, and every time he would feed it would be like needles poking. We got treatment but it was a whole 3 weeks ever before I started feeling better. I had times when I would wish he did not have to feed, I would be scared of him, I would pump milk just to avoid him feeding from me, only to become a huge wreck form the huge guilt of depriving my baby, and the worse feeling of me trying to avoid him. I used to think ‘What kind of mother does that?” Just avoid her own baby?” I would come back crying and feed him, crying all through the process due to the unbearable pain.

Care: The biggest one yet, Daycare!!! I do not want to portray myself to be the poor mom who was forced to work etc. I was not. I wanted to work; I always wanted to go back. I never wavered in that thought. I did my best to find the best alternative for him. That did not mean I did not feel any guilt. I was panged by guilt to even go to work when he was home with his doting grandparents who probably took much better care of him even more than what I could have. Just the thought of leaving him, thoughts like ‘What if he wants me? What if he wants to drink milk?”…again the same thoughts. I fought through them!

More food: Avy is allergic to milk, soy, egg, peanuts, oats and chickpea as you all know by now. We did not get the diagnosis until he was 10 months old and already suffering. The guilt that we did not find it out before, the guilt that we let him suffer for so long, is something I still cannot shake off. As he grows older I hope this will start to fade.

I think most moms agree that during a single day they feel guilty about at least one thing…from the decisions of what diaper, to what shoes, to what food, whether to let them watch TV, to those extra sneaky snacks just to keep them quiet, to those days when the mind wishes you can get 5 minutes of just you time…..

At the end of all this guilt is the purest form of affection. As moms we do everything in our power to make our kids feel good. We do our best, sometimes the best is not enough! I have learnt to keep the guilt on the low side and think I do everything in my power to make him happy, to keep him smiling, and that is what helps me sleep at night!

To all mommies out there, get rid of your guilt……you all are doing soo great!

 

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. whinymom said,

    June 24, 2010 at 3:37 am

    Hi there,
    New to your blog and been reading your archives. Must say I love your writing.

    Im at a stage where I have to put my 18 month old to Daycare after my In laws for abroad for 5- 6 months and I am at the stage where you were when your lil one was 4 months. Reading your posts I’m feeling very releived as to it should not be a cause of guilt to get a stranger to take care of my baby. I hope my E loves it too.. Fingers crossed!

    Whinymom

  2. avymom said,

    June 24, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Thanks, just left a comment on your side!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: