Freedom- bittersweet, nevertheless!

Freedom- YES, but so bittersweet it is! Well, when I least expected it, the day arrived- Avy is fully weaned! It is DONE! Been 5 days today, with no tears and all the happiness in the world, he has weaned himself. The following article is the one that kept me going for the last two years and now I am happy to add that it happened the same way with me as talked about here

“I see how it has made me more patient, more centered, able to calm myself. I see the look of deep knowingness in his eye, as if we’ve been walking the planet together for a couple of hundred years. I see how breastfeeding has become part of our rhythm, our rhyme, our understanding of each other. How it has given our relationship a whole other layer of connectedness. And how that connectedness has influenced my parenting choices, how I perceive him, and how he responds to me.”

SO SO TRUE!

So it has taken me 3 whole months to push him in that direction and to do it with no tears at all. I am very satisfied and happy that I was able to provide him for the past 2 years. Funny thing is the last part was done all by him. He refused it one fine day and never asked again or talked about it. Guess he DID become a big boy when he turned 2, and the biggest chapter in my life has come to an end. He is sleeping longer and better.

I was very very happy the first day, I guess mainly because it was done with no tears, no fighting. Also because I was FREE!! For the first time I slept all night without being a feeding box :). But then, as the days are going by I am feeling sad. The BIGGEST chapter in my life is over. We have been attached for the past 2 years and 9 months (pregnancy included) and now it is over.

The dark thoughts are back- Will he need me anymore, Will we be close anymore, Will I be able to let go, Will I be able to pacify him, Will he have more meltdowns? I am working through them; one at a time, every time he needs me now, makes me feel special. These thought may appear silly to some, but then they are not in my shoes!

But to add to the mix, to use Ajit’s words, it has been a double whammy. This weaning means I could start having milk and all other foods I have been avoiding the past year and half. This thought racks me up with way more guilt.

I feel like I am leaving my baby behind and having nice things. I feel so guilty to pop anything in my mouth that he cannot have. Maybe I have to leave this feeling of being a martyr. With my health, I NEED to fix my diet. Who knows how much my calcium and other nutrients have depleted over the year. I saw to it that he took his supplements but kind of ignored me. It is high time I fix myself too; he needs his mommy happy and strong.

So with the depression of weaning him, my health related sadness, and this over-bearing feeling of guilt, I have been a mess the last 2 days. Finally a ray of light yesterday, when Ajit said, what I think so far, has been the most convincing argument on why I should not feel the way I do. I told Ajit yesterday, on our regular phone conversation that we have every day on my drive back from work, that I feel guilty eating the nice things without Avy. Ajit replied, “But Avy does not know it is nice, to him it is just something he cannot have, just like spicy food”.

See that struck a chord, I do NOT give him spicy food, and I love eating spicy food, I have been eating it all along. I guess milk, egg etc are just like that. Just something he cannot have, and Ajit gently reminded me that I try my best to replicate everything for him and that would not change. So thankful to have married the ‘logical’ guy, times like this, makes me thank my stars! I sometimes overthink, analyze and complicate things, sometimes it is easy taking the logical way out!

Since the weaning, Ajit has been giving Avy a bath and putting him to sleep, though yesterday, Avy screamed for me. For a minute I got worried that he would want to feed, but then, no, he wanted me for me. I told him stories and we fell asleep hugging, and all I know is we woke up again at 4am only, and fell back to sleep in 5 minutes. Am building a new bond, a new phase to my parenting and a new relationship with the little one.

So as I am writing this now, I am in the lowest of moods- the weaning, the guilt, the tiredness everything together is making for a sucky frame of mind and I am happy I can at least write. I have been trying everything in my power to make me feel better, walking during lunch, eating healthy, playing with Avy, but sometimes the body and mind just take over. So hoping to be in better spirits soon, hopefully a restful weekend, can give me that!

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3 Comments

  1. Awholelife said,

    September 13, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    I think it is wonderful that you made the choice to breast feed your baby. Breast feeding is one of the many pleasant memories that I cherish from both my sons. Even thou I was a working mom, I felt it was so important and so special that I would have never chose to not breast feed. You will get past the sadness of weaning in time. I would just offer focus on how well he is doing and also just savor the joy of when you and he shared the closeness with him during your breast feeding times.

    • avymom said,

      September 14, 2010 at 7:37 am

      Thanks for the support! Been a week and am doing much better!

  2. telugumom said,

    September 14, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Breastfeeding is really very special. You did the right thing and the good part is the weaning process went without any tears. In my opinion, that was the best thing.

    Don’t feel guilty about eating foods that Avy is allergic to. It will be okay and you definitely need to take care of yourself too.


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