Tug of Hearts!

From this post we (Mom and Dad) have new nicknames, christened by none other than Yuvi (Avy). He now calls his dad Yupa (Modification on Appa), me Yuma (on Amma) and himself Yuvi. Silly boy came up with silly names!!!

This morning I dropped off my cutey, with a bag full of goodies. It was a happy moment to see all kids shout his name and him running to them, but also a reminder of some hurtful moments these past few weeks. Nothing major, small incidents that just add up and snowballs (yeah, seasonal reference!).

A couple of weeks ago I had a missed a call from Avy’s daycare when I was in a meeting. So I called them back, about an hour after the call. Apparently, the teacher had gotten some fruit gummies for the kids and she was calling me to find out if Avy can have some. I keep my phone with me ALL the time, even when I go to the bathroom, but this day I was destined to miss it.

So when I did return the call it was too late, and Avy had not gotten any. The teacher said he was very upset, but when she offered extra 2 stickers, and his Oreo cookie he became better, I believe. That tore my heart apart.  If alone I would have attended that call, maybe Avy could have had it. I was making it hard on myself by thinking of the sweet little kid standing there wondering why he could not have any, when all of his friends can.

I knew this day was not far away, I knew that as he was growing up the battles will be harder, more hurtful but I was not prepared at all, made me feel worthless as a mom at that moment. I somehow managed to spend the rest of the day at work and rushed home to see the little one. He had forgotten all about it and was happy to show me his stickers. But my heart kept tearing up and I just could not shake it off.

When you become a mom somehow this fierce protectiveness develops in you and sometimes it is good sometimes it is bad. Dads have it too, but not as quite as what the mother’s exhibit.  Ever since this incident mine has been in super hyper mode.

So the next time we went shopping we found gummies he can have, I fed all the gummies he wanted that day. Maybe I was over compensating, but what the hell, I had to do something. Did it make me feel better about the whole thing? Not really. I still ache. I still ache that I cannot do anything about this. I can make and bake everything Avy style but then I cannot erase the thoughts that run through the little one’s mind when he feels left out.

A few weeks before this incident, we had decided that the best way to bring him up is by teaching him about his allergies. So slowly I started to pointing things he cannot have and told him it is because he is allergic, he will get “oova” (hurt) if does have them. One of the items was curd (yogurt).  He seemed to understand.

A few days later, he saw his dad have some curd on his plate and he with his big eyes says “Avy allergy”.

It opened up a tap in me, everything is hurting. Teaching him hurts, not teaching him hurts, seeing him understand the whole thing and be a big man about it hurts, the thought of the battles we have ahead of ourselves, and more importantly he has ahead of himself hurts.

And, we as adults sometimes fail to see the beauty and happiness in small things. When Yupa dropped him off the other day he felt a pang because all other kids got colorful cereals and muffins while Avy was getting the same old cereal every day. Now when he told me this, I was sad sad sad. But then he mentions, Avy was happy and proud eating it. It made me realize, Avy is learning to be happy with what he has got, what right do we as parents have to put our burdens, thoughts and worries on the little one trying to be happy.

That thought helped me a little and I am back to what I believe in; make the best use of what you have been served. Find out ways to make sure you can minimize the instances of hurt, instances of exclusion and when such things occur buck up and move on. So all these thoughts sent me into a baking frenzy this week and we made some changes to help up cope.

I baked banana and blueberry muffins, which shall be sent to his daycare to be part of his breakfast, and also purchased two other cereal types which he can have and hence ensuring variety. A bag of gummy worms were purchased and handed over, in my own way to make up for that day.

More baking ensued, as he has his Christmas party today, and his teacher was nice enough to read out the entire list of what they are having so that I can make substitutes for as much as possible.

So sugar cookies were baked (a separate post coming on this episode with pictures soon), cupcakes were baked, gummy worms, crackers, cookies were bought and that brings us to the beginning of the post, I dropped him off with his own goody bag full of whatever he would possibly need.

As I sit here now thinking, I can manage and make up for anything we know is coming, but in the next few years so many instances are going to crop up where I am taken by surprise, where I cannot be there all the time to prevent things, but what I can do and will always be around to do, is swoop him in my arms when he is hurt, hug him tight and say,

“It is all going to be okay”!!

Ps. I really need to hear that for me today!

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9 Comments

  1. Aparna said,

    December 23, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Anu..
    Wonderful piece of writing.. could feel what you were feeling for Avy.. but like you have said, as long as we dont show our feelings to the little one he will not know any better. Keep telling him since he is a very special kid everything has to be very special for him. just the ordinary doesnt cut it for our sweet little avy.. I was actually planning to bake something to bring but then I didnt want to miss anything that would be allergic. You are doing a great job mothering Avy.. continue to do so.. you never stop feeling guilty as a mother.. you always want to do more for your children.. it never stops .. ever!!!! so you are not alone and yeah you have more things to worry about than a regular mom.. you are a special mom to a special kid!! Enjoy the special moments you have and cherish each and every moment.

    • avymom said,

      December 28, 2010 at 3:32 pm

      Thanks, words of encouragement is what we need so much to keep going!

  2. Telugumom said,

    December 24, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I could really feel your pain through your post. Wonderfully written! You are infact doing a great job. Mommy guilt comes before your child is even born and only mothers understand it.

    Teaching him is actually the right thing to do. Even if it hurts sometimes, it helps greatly. A kid in my son’s class in daycare has peanut allergies. So, we cannot pack anything with peanuts in them. So, one day Sarath was very curious why I was not giving him peanut chutney with idli’s to daycare. I explained it oh so patiently to him. He just understood it and has never asked me again to pack peanut chutney to day care. Kids understand things much faster than we do. So, don’t worry too much and enjoy the holidays!

    Your nicknames are cute 🙂

    • avymom said,

      December 28, 2010 at 3:32 pm

      Kids are more sensitive to these kind of things and I hope I can bring up Avy to be the strong person I wish him to be. Thanks for the kind words.

  3. Aishwarya said,

    December 27, 2010 at 2:50 am

    Anu, lovely write up. dont worry about this. this kind of guilt is there for all moms. Trust me – there are so many times when i have wished i had control over many instances in Aditi’s lfe. The guilt doesnt stop… but it always helps when you think that atleast you are able to provide them with so many things that many kids dont get. so dont worry and have a great holiday 🙂

    • avymom said,

      December 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm

      Thanks for the encouraging words and you have a lovely holiday too.

  4. DI said,

    December 28, 2010 at 5:53 am

    I loved this post 🙂
    I am sure everything is going to be alright, and I love how you are teaching him things! Also, the fact that he understands them 🙂
    Have a wonderful new year!

    • avymom said,

      December 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm

      Thanks for the nice words, you have a lovely new years too!

  5. whinymom said,

    December 30, 2010 at 4:31 am

    Everything is going to be alright! This too shall pass and you will make peace with it! trust me, he is not as affected by it as you are… 🙂 lovely pic!


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